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I have to confess something. If you follow me, you probably noticed that I wasn’t active on social media for a while. But, when I started to build my Van and put on gigantic stickers and was motivated to inspire thousands of people, things went a little bit differently. In a final attempt to show the world how beautiful our planet is, I tried video-making for a while with my drone. But all of this past my goal.

Since I quit my job and chose to leave the 9 to 5 hamster wheel, I felt terrific. After some rough moments, I came closer to myself and discovered less is more. With less need for stimulation or materials, you can become so much happier than money can buy. I needed to share this with the world! Not only for vanlife in particular but to CHOOSE for yourself. I see so many people trapped in their lives. The majority I know go with concrete in their shoes to their jobs and come back with tears. To feel alive, they buy stuff they don’t need. Or do things they don’t want to. Don’t get me wrong. I was the same, and I did the same. Probably on a much extremer level than most people.

My life goal is to help people to motivate them to think differently and search for possibilities to change. For you, this doesn’t have to be vanlife, but it covered everything I truly wanted for me. But here comes the problem. How do you inspire people that are so used to their habits, so scared to change something, and so accustomed to stimulation and overstimulation?

My journey and Instagram pictures didn’t have the desired effect. Instead of inspiring people to think about changing something in their lives. Most of them placed me on a pedestal. I got replies and DM’s about how incredible my life is, how beautiful my Van and how much they would desire to have my lifestyle. That’s the opposite of my soul’s purpose. So, of course, my ego and my dopamine got triggered. But my life isn’t that great.

Don’t get me wrong! Rationally my life is excellent. I’m blessed and super grateful for what is have. But I wanted to do something for others. Inspire a great audience to make a change in their life. And because until today I didn’t achieve that, it makes me feel terrible. Also, the fact that I’m tough on myself doesn’t help either. However, VanLife helped me discover my true self, soul purpose and what I want. But it also sowed me unsolved inner conflicts that I pushed away for a long time. And this reached it’s bottom last summer.

The shocking part

Here comes the shocking part. Since January, thoughts of ending my life have been very present. Even though I had great success the months before with a psychologist, things went down. Not being able to reach my goal of making a difference for others feels like a big failure. In the months afterwards, I distracted myself with some travelling and putting all my knowledge to solve the biggest problems I see in today’s society together in a course. However, as we live in a society where fast results are the standard, I somehow got frustrated about not helping anyone. And the person that needed help the most I ignored completely. I caught myself trapped in a trail of chasing dopamine and distracting myself not to feel my internal pain. Distraction kills productivity. Deep inside, I realise this, making me feel even worse. It’s like a paradox of feeling bad for feeling bad and being hard on myself because I have nothing to complain about. Also, I drown in knowledge which sometimes is so overwhelming. I needed to cook this in a manageable formula, easy to understand and applicable to myself.

When I returned to Tarifa, I discovered that the supplies I needed for my plan B were no longer available. I lost some control, so I quickly ordered two big canisters of helium. But I didn’t talk about it. Pretending everything was okay, thoughts went darker than ever before. The plane ticket planned for august to the Netherlands would be a big goodbye party where I say bye to my parents and some friends forever. But, of course, I wasn’t planning to tell them my actual plan.

Opening up

However, in the year where I built my Van, I had a girlfriend who lost her little brother. He committed suicide, which was a big surprise for everyone he knew because he didn’t tell anyone about his depression. She wrote a book about the importance of opening up about this topic. Is her book called “┬┐Hablamos del Suicido?” She told me many stories and knowledge she gathered about this topic and why sharing this is so important. Keeping it for yourself creates bigger and stronger thoughts that spiral down until it is too late. Unfortunately, we broke up in the same year. To support her, I bought 11 copies of her book. I donated 2 to the University of Malaga. I gave some away to people I met on the road who may benefit from it for themselves or someone they know.

But ironically, I was doing the opposite. Having a thick mask, playing fine for my lovely parents and going to a party with my friends, pretending there was nothing wrong. A decisive inner conflict grew and made me overcome my shame to discuss this topic. When I told my depressive thoughts to my parent and my friends, they were shocked. And consist me to get help again. But this time, my psychologist was worried and unsure if she could give me the proper support I needed. Of course, she was willing to glue some things and give me tools, but I needed something more intense to deal with this in the long run.

After some weeks of interacting with my doctor and insurance, I signed up for a six-week of intensive treatment. It is facilitated here in Spain and by a Dutch company. In these weeks, I will intensively work five days a week to heal the source of my returning depression. Because of traumas, my parents’ emotional pain after my sister’s loss and mostly all the dark stuff I had to face in the seven years as a police officer. The crazy thing is that after I made accepted help, the build of my dopamine course and other side projects skyrocketed. In the last weeks, I became hyper-productive. I quit most of my distractions, started to eat healthily and did some sports again. I redesigned this blog, finished my first art collection, and cooked all my knowledge into easy-to-follow steps for my courses. The first course will be a dopamine detox.

While writing this course, I applied all the exercises myself and became hyper-productive. Also, I figured that dopamine is a cause of depression and makes us unproductive. Especially after the plandemic and lockdowns, most people became more overstimulated than ever before. A trail of dopamine addiction by watching the following video after the next, movies, series or playing games for hours. Overstimulation makes us restless and unable to focus, and everything we should do become less appealing. Also, these side effects can make us feel worthless and less interested in what life offers. My dopamine reset course will change this as it has already helped me in the last weeks.

What’s next

However, tomorrow I start the six-week retreat to conquer my internal problems and become the best version of myself. During the six weeks, probably will have less time to finish my product. But afterwards, I will continue my mission with fresh experiences. Without putting expectations, I will finally create something that impacts the happiness, productivity and health for the people that are reallyu willing to go for it.