Many people assume that creativity and depression are mutually exclusive. But the truth is that they can coexist, and they are linked. However, the link between creativity and depression is not as straightforward. I noticed that myself. Here is why there is a strong link between creativity and depression.
Creativity is often seen as a way to escape from reality. Using your imagination or an original idea to create something new is exciting. When I’m in a creative mindset, I feel good. Especially when new ideas or projects come up. A tremendous flow of new ideas rushes through my brain. It makes me enthusiastic and highly motivated. I instantly wanna go for it and start with no plan to create. It has happened many times. For example, I wanna be an influencer/ vlogger, and within a day, I converted my office into a film studio. Then, I ordered some LED lights to make a ring light. Actually, it was a triangle which gave my eyes a unique effect. I could already imagine the results and started filming. This drive and creativity is a good thing, isn’t it?
Self worthless
However, in some cases, it can be the opposite, where the person cannot escape from their thoughts and feelings about themselves. This can lead to feelings of worthlessness, guilt or shame, which may lead to depression. Exactly that happened to me. As the perfectionist I am, my level of video-making was relatively high from the beginning. I managed video editing in no time and felt great during the filming and production. Confidence had the overhand, but I put in some humour to eliminate doubts. The reason was simple: if people didn’t take me seriously, I gave them the excuse not to.
After finishing and uploading the videos, a short moment of accomplishment was noticeable. Some of my colleagues gave me compliments others made fun of me. Some of my friends really liked it, and one of my good friends offered me o become the face of the Phone brand. I could be the face of BlackView in the Netherlands. However, the more I heard my voice in the videos, the more I felt terrible. My English wasn’t at a significant level, and my pronunciation had a solid dutch accent. Also, the video for the phones didn’t meet my perfectionism standards. However, To grow an audience, you need to be consistent. But I lost motivation. A mixture of self-doubt and a lack of self-expression caused me to take the videos down.
Self-expression
Depression is also linked with creativity because some people use their creative work as a form of self-expression. For example, they may turn to art or writing to express what they are feeling inside. And that brings me to today. In the past years, I tried different things to build an audience to spread a message. But, until today, I failed to spread my message and inspire others. Even though on my Instagram, I got many replies, unfortunately, it didn’t feel right. In most of the DM’s, people place me on a pedal stand. I got comments like “how cool my lifestyle” or ” what an amazing Van you built”, Followed by “I wish I could live my life like yours”. Of course, this is nice to hear, but my main goal is to inspire people. Make people question their current situation and think about how they can change their lives. Because I didn’t meet this goal, it feels more like showing off. And this creates feelings of depression and self worthless. To complete the circle, I somehow feel even worse when I feel bad. This sounds weird, but when I realize that others would love to live my life, I feel guilty when I’m not happy. Moreover, when I give up a project, it adds up to the pile of failures. But, of course, I know they aren’t actual losses but unfinished ideas with no feeling of achievement yet.
The conclusion
The conclusion is that this pile of unfinished ideas gives me a significant feeling of worthlessness. If there creativity and depression are linked together, it becomes a paradox. I start a new project with goals and dreams whenever I feel creative. But, when obstacles arrived, I got doubts and felt extremely bad. Whether it is shame, perfectionism or something external like the financial market interrupting my plans to build a retreat. This leads to feelings of depression, which kills my creativity. But, new ideas arrive again after some time, making creativity rise. Negative emotion moves to the background, and Motivation rise and falls again when obstacles become visible, like a rollercoaster.
My current situation when writing this is not too well. Goals to inspire, help and even heal others suddenly look farther away than ever. It is a returning cycle of creative outbursts and months of feeling worthless. I manage to go through this every time with the help of a professional now and then. But it is exhausting. Also, it looks like when I’m getting older, the times of emotional lows become more intense. I’m waiting for a 6-week intensive treatment to change this issue for the long term. In the meantime and afterwards, I keep working on my goals to inspire others and focus more on consistency. I hope my articles bring you something. Feel free to leave a comment or share this with someone who could benefit from reading this.
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