After six weeks of therapy, I discovered many things. I found inner patterns that tortured me for a long time. It is too much to capture in one article. But I give it a try in multiple blog articles or a book. It all started with opening up.
Shall we talk about suicide?
In august 2022 I went to the Netherlands to see my parents and some friends for the last time. I wasn’t planning to tell them about my depression. It was somehow a taboo. Also, that I planned to end my suffering unorthodoxly wasn’t the information I would share in a random conversation. Ironically in 2021, I had a relationship with a writer who wrote a book about the suicide of her brother.
After our breakup, I bought 11 copies of her book to support her. “¿Hablamos del suicidio?” is the title of the book. Unfortunately, I couldn’t read them because they were in Spanish. But she told me every detail of the story. We also visited the cemetery a couple of times.
A painful part of the story was that her brother didn’t tell anyone about his problems. Instead, he maintained a mask playing fine for the outside world. Then, prepared but unexpectedly for the people he left behind, he took away his own life.
When I was in the Netherlands, I realized I was doing the same. I was sipping my coffee with my parents and playing fine. It felt unfair because they had no idea this would be the last time they saw me alive. For my friends, the same. I would go to a festival with them, say bye, and never return. The bright yellow letters of the book “¿Hablamos del suicidio?” passed my mind. It means, “Shall we talk about suicide?”. I’ve seen this book cover every day since I bought them. The university library in Malaga only wanted two copies, and I gave some away to people who might benefit. The rest of them were just lying around in my van.
A strong feeling of shame filled me. I realized that even though I’m incapable of feeling it now, some people might love me. So it will be a big surprise when I return to Spain and execute my plan. How would that make them feel? Do they feel the guilt of not knowing it? But, of course, that would be unfair. After all, I was the one who didn’t tell them. Mixed thoughts that say, on the one hand, “I don’t have to suffer for them”, and On the other hand, “I would be responsible for their pain”.
The shame of hurting them and leaving them with questions was more significant than the fact I was depressed. The book title and the story written by someone who lost a loved one made me overcome my shame. I spoke to my parents and friends about my inner struggles. They were shocked, but the conversation wasn’t that bad. They took me seriously. I assumed that they wouldn’t understand anyway. And words like “we all feel bad sometimes” meant good but won’t help. Those words counter what I had been telling myself for roughly eight months. I was angry at myself for feeling miserable while I had such a fantastic lifestyle. With these thoughts, I pushed myself further away from my true feelings.
What did help was that they just listened and asked me what I needed. How should I know? I tried everything to feel alive. They suggested therapy again and agreed to toss out the particular gas I bought for my endgame. My friends didn’t see it coming either. Now the word was out there. I had to take action.
Back in Spain
I returned to Spain and got rid of the gas I had bought. After that, I started some sessions with my psychologist again. But she was worried and unsure if she could help me long-term. Her advice was to do something more intensive. By coincidence, she landed on intensive treatment here in Spain. But for that, I needed my doctor in the Netherlands. Contact was problematic, and I didn’t trust any other humans. In certain situations, everything that doesn’t go easy feels like a massive failure. I couldn’t handle this much longer. Finally, I opened up, but this didn’t change anything. I still felt miserable, and the worries of my psychologist diminished my hope.
After some days, I created an argument with my girlfriend. My inner demon advised me to distance myself from her. After arguing, I ditched her spare keys to her Camper Van, informed her where they were and took off to Malaga. Even though she was worried, it felt like the right thing to do. She was better off without me, I told myself. I reached a point where I didn’t see any way out, so I decided to end everything that day. I went to a store and bought two new canisters of gas. After that, I purchased all the other essentials from different stores.
An oasis of peace and calm
Now I had all the essentials to end my life without pain effectively again. Suddenly a sense of peace and calm flooded over me. All my self-hate, doubts, sad memories, traumas, and worries disappeared. I experienced a state of being without worries about tomorrow or emotional attachment from the past. It was early in the afternoon, so I drove through Malaga on my electric unicycle. What would you do on your very last day? I just wandered around with so much inner peace. A mindset I had never felt before. For once, I was 100% in the present.
The past and the future didn’t matter. My critical voice and self-hate came to an absolute silence. It felt as if I was doing the right thing. I just drove around with an empty mind. In the evening I went to a restaurant and ate my favourite dish. It was a fantastic poke bowl. I gave the guy €50 tip and drove back to my Van. There I impressed somewhat dodgy-looking guys standing in a dark parking spot. The incredible acceleration of my electric unicycle caught their attention. There was no fear. Usually, I am always on my guard, but suddenly I didn’t care. I saw humans, just like me and gave the toughest and loudest of them a little unicycle workshop. That he underestimated the difficulty of balancing wasn’t a surprise. For me, it’s just riding a fast bike. The respect I gained was hilarious. In their eyes, I was a crazy Giri driving a dangerously rapid and unstable vehicle from the future. And that without protection or a helmet. I must have a death wish. “Joder tio, estas completamente loco”. They had no idea
Time to go
Back in my Van, on my kitchen bench, I saw all the needs to execute my plan. However, my parents and friends know about my mental situation, but I owe them one last message before I go. So I start writing in flight mode. The idea was to put my phone back online again just before I opened the gas bottles. So if someone has the skills to track my location and the bright idea to call the Guardia Civil, they would be too late.
While I was writing, intense emotions and feelings showed up. Weirdly enough, none of my mechanisms to block them was available. It wasn’t a nice feeling, but one of the purest I had ever experienced. After a few messages, I couldn’t write any longer. My vision was blurry and salty tears on a touch screen didn’t help either. Finally, I decided to stop and go to sleep and deal with it tomorrow.
The next Moring
When I woke up, I felt present without worries or self-hate. That peace of yesterday was still there. The odd boxes with gas cylinders gave me a feeling of control. But suddenly, I didn’t want to end everything right now. I needed some time to investigate why I suddenly felt so good. Also, the ring from my grandpa was at the jeweller in Tarifa. My mum would be extra sad if that one got lost. So I had an excuse to postpone my suicide. The strong urge to clean and organize my Van came up. So I tidied up and packed my requirements for my backup plan in one of the boxes of the special gas bottles. I also included one copy of the book written by my ex. After that, I drove back to Tarifa to see my girlfriend.
I talked to her and affirmed that her worries were entirely accurate. She had a hard time not knowing where I was. Luckily, she saw my distanced and depressed behaviour as separate from the person I really am. To keep things moving, I contacted my doctor again, and after numerous tries and phone calls, I got the paper I needed. Finally, there was hope again. It made me super productive. Suddenly I was able to create and focus on studying the harmful effects of overstimulating and dopamine in the brain. Overstimulating next to my depression could be a part of why I’m not doing what I actually want.
I worked every day on creating a course because this could be one of the biggest problems why society dysfunctions. During the lockdown, this problem becomes even worse. This information could help me and better the entire world. This problem could play a significant role in why many people become unproductive, don’t live to their full potential and become depressed. It’s interesting to see that even when things are so dark, our focus can shift to something positive or the drive to have a positive impact.
That week I needed a three-hour assessment to determine if the program would suit me. Of course, the fact that I had everything ready to end my life was a safety issue, but they were willing to help me. After they told my insurance about the urge to help me, I had to be in Alicante within ten days to start the six-week treatment. So I decided to pause the creation of dopamine detox during my treatment. And good I did because I learned so much more than just the effects of dopamine that I want to include in the course.
New insights and confirmation for what I already knew
During the six weeks, I discovered that we all have protectors. My protector was disconnecting from my feelings. Actually, due to patterns I build up as a kid, I never really felt my emotions. As a police officer, these patterns became more active, and with all the fantastic things we can do today, I tried to fill up a big empty void. But hiding away from emotions is exhausting. Filling up a feeling of emptiness or trying to feel alive with external inputs is impossible. Dopamine gives us a sense of reward but doesn’t fundamentally change anything. The crazy part is that it lets us do unenjoyable or harmful things. Afterwards, we feel still empty or even inadequate for what we did. Like smoking, overeating, spending hours on our phones watching videos, drinking alcohol or using drugs.
There are many tricks to tackle these problems that are dopamine-related. But next to dopamine, these copings appear for a reason. I discovered another chapter from myself that I want to share with the world. Another chapter to include in the course. Scientifically proven psychology will help people change and do what they genuinely wish to emotionally, not that quick fix dopamine shot. I will need more time to put all this information into an understandable course. But the drive is back.
Those six weeks of intense treatment healed me from things that sabotaged me for a long time. In the following article, I will describe what I’ve been through and one of my most significant protectors that often mess things up instead of being beneficial. Thanks for reading to the end. I will announce future updates about my blog on my socials.
Oh and the gas, I got rid of it. Again, but now because I did it because I wanted it. For myself, not just to (fakely) take away the worries of my loved ones. What gas I censored and wont tell you. Its a special kind of gas and not every gas will do the job without pain or success. Be aware of that, I suggest if you searching options to end your life. Talk to a professional. Really! It might take some courage, but you’re not alone. And those critical thoughts telling you harmful b*llsh*t aren’t the truth. It’s a phase you go through now, and you really can get out. As I did.